The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
