You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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