think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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