Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
