Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I've blown a few things in my day
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.â€
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
