ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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