somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
