My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
