I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
