I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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