I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
