I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
