You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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