the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
