you have to choose: penises or morals?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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