There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
