Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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