I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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