If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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