listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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