literally had 100 drinks last night.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
