dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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