I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just saw a hot homeless man
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
