for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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