Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
