She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Found the puke drawer
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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