1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
