i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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