I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
