Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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