I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
