he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
