I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
