i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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