I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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