No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
