do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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