So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
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