Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
