I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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