My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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