someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
