I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
