I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
