You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
