never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
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