We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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