dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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