My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
