I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
