We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He did a backflip because drugs
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
