I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
