Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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